Editorial

Here we go again. Thought this issue was going to be a bit thin, but things suddenly got busy.

Thanks to Petchy for coming up with his now regular report on the 12 car scene. Two strange things happened on round 6 with Petchy back on the maps. First was a nauseous Petchy. I've never known him be car sick before - not actually throwing up, but looking decidedly ill! Back at the finish we analysed the problem and he admitted that he'd felt ill on the previous event back in November. He thought the new Hooft's Primera was to blame as he'd not suffered the problem in the past. We eventually concluded that the car is much quicker than the previous Primera so, when Petchy’s plotting, I’m driving faster than I usually do. Then, when something unexpected comes up (like the big moment on the downhill 45° left!) I'm on the brakes too hard. The brakes are very, very good, in 3 events they’ve never faded on me, but Petchy’s being thrown around like a crash-test dummy, leading to the inevitable motion sickness. The simple answer is we’re going to paint his head yellow, his ears black and white and I’m buying a Volvo. That’ll sort it!

It was good to see the Mini of Dave Bennett and Oliver Jopson out for a brief soirée during a semester break. Got a good nose-full of burning oil whilst we were behind them - smelled great!

The second problem that night was somewhat more controversial and got my leg pulled back at the finish. We were swiftly negotiating a narrow road somewhere near Millington village. There was a high grass bank to the right of the road. Suddenly the headlights picked out a woman stood on this bank. There were no houses anywhere nearby and I just thought what a strange place for someone to stand on a cold night. As we got closer I noticed that she was dressed in red - quite dowdy clothes down to her feet, with a knitted red hat. I opened my mouth to tell Petchy as he had his head buried in the map, but at the same time he shouted out an instruction to me and the moment was lost. Still thinking it was a strange place for someone to stand (even if there is a rally going by), I was sure the other competitor’s would’ve seen her. My big mistake was asking the next crew to arrive in the pub, ‘Tin’ Rodgers and Matt Blood. Tim’s face creased into a big smile as he saw a wind-up opportunity present itself. Apparently no-one else saw the woman and she couldn’t have got anywhere without walking further along the road. So the only explanation is either a ghost or Howie’s been on something! Maybe it was sniffing the fumes from Dave’s Mini earlier on!

The new 1300cc engine build for Heepy suffered a few set-backs. Some of them as a result of ‘senior moments.’ "Is it me?" Couldn’t seem to get past the crank and piston stage for ages. I’d had some new cam bearings fitted along with a full set of core plugs. I like to clean an engine thoroughly before it’s rebuilt. It takes about 45 minutes to wash it down with paraffin, then degrease it, power wash, then dunked in hot soapy water before rinsing with hot water again. Then a sprint into the garage ‘cos the thing’s slowly turning rusty orange before your eyes and blather clean oil all over it. With the camshaft and followers in, I went to slot in the pistons, tapping them down through the piston ring clamp. They appeared reluctant to go in ‘til I took the clamp off to try the piston skirt in. No way! The pistons were +20 thou, the block was standard. Bugger! Still it was 18 years ago when I got all the bits together for the rebuild. After it was bored out, I had to go through the whole 45 minute cleaning process again.

Mixed up big-end caps caused a temporary tight engine, before Roy came down to help out, then a snapped head stud added to our problems. The weirdest problem though was after we slotted the engine in at Roy’s. As it was getting late the timing was set up somewhere near and the thing fired up. It ran very rough, but we were able to drive it onto the trailer so I could take it home. The following weekend I got it running again, still rough, and hooked up the strobe and dwell meter. The timing mark on the crank pulley was miles out. My beloved then called me in for Sunday dinner. Following that, I spent the next 4 hours just trying to get the engine started again. At 6.15 and working with temporary lights dangling from all over I finally gave up. I’d set and reset everything over and over again. The following weekend I went back to basics. Rocker cover off, got top dead centre with number one piston on it’s firing stoke, checked the timing mark again - nowhere near. Out of shear curiosity I checked the timing marks on the flywheel through the inspection hole. TDC was there! For some strange reason the timing mark on the crank pulley was about 112° out and we’d been using it to set up the ignition. How the hell it ran in the first place beats me. By the time you read this we’ll have had our ‘shakedown’ event at Reader’s Yard on 11 February. Fingers crossed.

January 26 saw the annual ANCC awards presentation. I could only manage 2nd in class 1 last year owing to missing a lot of events for various reasons. It’s going to be tough this year though, the 1300 engine puts me in the same class as last year’s overall winner, Tim Sargeant. But I’m really looking forward to having a go at first in class again. Big surprise of the night was when they called out the Road Rally award winners and who should come marching out, but Andy Beaumont and Danny Robinson. I didn’t know they were there and vice versa. A definite lack of communication! It was a good evening, bumping into friends I haven’t seen since the last event and well worth the trip to Cleckheaton.

Thanks also to Matt Blood for some late breaking news on the ANCC Road Rally Championship and an amusing ‘shower’ ditty.

Howie.

February 2001 - Chairman's Chunterings

Welcome to the first edition of wheels for 2001. Howard has been compiling articles to entertain you so you can share his anecdotes as well as his peanuts on a Thursday evening.

Howard has also been picking up on quotes from various people and many are reproduced in the mag. Lets see who is actually at Rother Valley Country Park marshalling on the Robin Hood Stages in the dark.

Matt Blood has provided us with some interesting facts on his bathing habits

Dinner Dance/Prize Awards

The dinner dance went as well as could be expected although a larger turnout would have made the night. My thanks must go to the following, in no specific order, for providing special raffle prizes which were only announced on the night.

Glenn and Anita Rangeley from the Dog and Duck for providing a meal for two.

Deg Burton for providing a trip to a race meeting.

Peter Billam for providing a days off roading or the hire of the Camel Freelander for the weekend.

My thanks also go to Andrea and Matthew for organising the event.

Thursday Night Events

An up to date list of the Thursday night championship is in the magazine and it looks that I will lose my grip on the trophy after a three year spell. I am currently working in Birmingham and therefore unable to make the club nights unless I am on holiday. Therefore if you are organising events on a Thursday Night, please arrange for the results summary to be sent to me so I can update the Championship. You will be sent a reminder of the event beforehand.

An updated calendar has been issued following date changes to accommodate my working pattern and a rearranged date for a table top. These are in BOLD on the calendar. If there are any queries on the results, please let me know and I will amend then if required.

Riponian Stages

Ted Collins from Huddersfield had asked me to be a radio operator on the Riponian Stages at the Boltby Stage. The day dawned fine and dry as I set off for the stage. Snow had been forecast but the first signs did not materialise until I had got past Fimber roundabout. A light covering of snow on ice made it a little tricky but this soon disappeared as I got towards Wharram-le-Street. Nothing more was thought of the snow until I hit the A170 outside Helmsley. It was absolutely diabolical for an A road to have 5 or 6 inches of snow on it. I joined up with the snake of cars heading towards Sutton Bank and realised that this was the crew from North Humberside heading for the same stage.

Just after Sutton Bank Car park, we were met by the chief marshal who advised us that the road to the stage was very dangerous and should only be attempted in 4 wheel drive vehicles. We all managed to turn round and headed back to the car park for a regroup and think our next strategy. PC Plod was on patrol and asked us all to move our cars into the car park as we were parked on double yellow lines but these were obliterated by the snow.  He did point out that there were plates on posts to warn us.

We all decided to approach the stage form the west and headed off down the now open Sutton  Bank. The snow had gone from the lowland areas but returned with vengeance once we started to climb back up to Boltby Village. A Volvo had decided to turn round as the non male driver decided that the hill was too steep to tackle. This meant that all momentum had been lost and a couple of attempts later I was almost at the top of the hill. The snow and ice decided to push me to the opposite side of the road much to the concern of the 4 wheel drive vehicle coming in the opposite direction. We passed passenger doors and went on our merry way.

The call came through that the stage had been cancelled as it was felt that if marshals could not get through, then the competitors would face the same dilemma. It was later announced that the afternoon run was also cancelled. It was an early departure for home but fun had been had in the snow.

Results

Gav Smith and Mike Ogram were 3rd in the Bruce Robinson Road Rally  on 10/11 February.

Andy Beaumont and Tim Rodgers were 5th on the Durham Dales Road Rally on 17/18 February.

DONT FORGET TO HAND YOUR RESULTS WITHIN A MONTH TO MATTHEW ATKINSON TO CLAIM CHAMPIONSHIP POINTS!!!!

Forthcoming events

Robin Hood Stages Rally Saturday 3rd March

We are running the finish of the Rother Valley Country  Park in the darkness. All help is  required from everyone in the club.

 

North Humberside Forest Rally Saturday 31st March.

The club are running Harwood Dale stage on this event with a provisional start time of 10:00 for car 1. We require as many marshals as possible to man the stage and time controls.

Tour of Lincs Sunday 8th April

Once again our journey into deepest Lincolnshire sees us running the Ludford stage on the Sunday Morning. Again marshals and time control crews are required.

Contact Matthew Atkinson on 01482 876400 if you are interested in helping on the above events.

See the updated forthcoming attraction on the web site or on the sheets at the club every Thursday.

Well, space on the paper is running short , so I will bade my farewell for this edition.

GUNNER


SLICKS

Dear All,

What follows is the verbatim official word ("and the word was light...") from Colin Wilson of the MSA regarding the ban on "safety grounds" of slick tyres for rallying only. The second paragraph is quite telling and reminds me of a certain Prime Ministers speech about No U-Turns ("This Lady is not for turning"). Remember what happened to her....?

Enjoy!

The following are the most frequently-asked questions about slick tyres in rallying, together with answers from Motor Sports Association. Despite the obvious importance of this subject and bearing in mind that the new rules WILL apply from 1 January 2001 no matter what debate takes place over the internet, I do not propose personally to enter into prolonged correspondence about this matter.

Any e-mail received in response to the below will be forwarded to the appropriate executive(s), who may or may not choose to reply. Please do not blame the press office for any delays!

Best regards,

Colin Wilson,

Motor Sports Association UK.

Q - Why has it been deemed necessary to ban slick (and cut slick) tyres from rally events? Presumably, it has been decided that tyres of this type are a contributory factor to a significant number of rally accidents. Are you able to justify the decision by supplying any statistical data or statements from acknowledged experts in this field?

A - MSA is aware that certain accidents, including fatalities, appear to have been contributed to by the use of inappropriate asphalt tyres on rally cars. Specific details would not be appropriate (or even legal) at this time, because at least one relevant inquest has not yet been concluded.

Q - I compete in a Group 4 car running on 13-inch wheels. When the ban comes into force, can you suggest alternative tyres suitable for a two-wheel drive car producing 250bhp?

A - Dunlop will have moulded rally tyres available by Feb/March 2001. Kumho, Yokohama and others are available now.

Q - I currently have a stock of new and perfectly serviceable part-worn slick tyres which were bought as a 'job lot' to reduce costs. These tyres are now useless as a result of the new rules. Can MSA suggest what I might do with them?

A - AD Such tyres can legally be sold in the Irish Republic.

Q - Does MSA have any plans for a compensation scheme to reduce the financial loss which I will incur?

A - No. Safety measures introduced at short notice almost always have cost implications for affected competitors, but are necessary to protect the sport as a whole.

Q - Why has a concession has been given to Dunlop to allow them to supply cut slicks for a period after the ban. If all slick tyres are unsafe, surely they are all unsafe now, and not just after June 2001. I assume that the concession has been made on the grounds that a financial loss would be incurred by Dunlop. If this is the case, would it not be more fair for slicks to be phased out, so that existing stocks could be used and alternatives sought by everyone, not just one select manufacturer?

A - Dunlop are able to cut a moulded-like pattern onto existing tyres until the suitable moulded tyres become available. This solves the availability problem for certain sizes offered only by Dunlop and has therefore been accepted by MSA. Full details can be found in a two-page article appearing in the Winter edition of "Motorsports Now!" which will be sent to every 2000 competition licence holder.

Q - The most suitable tyres for asphalt are proper asphalt tyres designed for that purpose. On 1 January 2001, there will be few (if any) suitable alternative tyres for competitors to use, especially in the smaller sizes. If MSA has decided to ban slick tyres on safety grounds, are we to look forward to a future ban on 'proper' gravel tyres also?

A - AD The new regulations bring MSA into line with an FIA directive made six years ago. This was not enforced by MSA at the time, because we believed that the superiority of modern moulded tyres would cause the disappearance of unsuitable, badly-cut tyres (mainly from single-seater racing cars). This has not happened, partly because some small dealers buy old racing tyres and sell them in rallying, claiming them to be suitable and wonderful, which in most cases they are not! FIA moulded gravel tyres are used within the UK and will continue to be allowed.

Sunday 7 January

New Year’s Autotest

NHMC

A crisp sunny day greeted the 7 competitors on what now seems like the regular slot for NHMC’s first event of the year. For the second year running Robert Newlove has shunned the traditional New Year’s Day and gone for the sensible option of the first Sunday in the year. I used to relish the challenge of pitting my pickled brain against other similarly afflicted competitors, but to be honest I wonder if we were fit to drive to the event in years gone by. Plus we had more entries this time than for many years. Okay, 7 might not be a huge turnout, but it’s more than we usually get.

NHMC brought out one of their big guns this year in the shape of Ken Sturdy. I admit to being a little apprehensive when I heard he was competing. He was always hard to beat in the past. A three year lay-off from autotesting didn’t help his cause however, nor did sharing Richard Wood’s Mini, which sounded like it required some TLC.

Two other competitors were also a cause for concern. John Taylor and Shorty were ‘shaking down’ their newly acquired 1300cc engine. Roy and I were still building ours so the 1100 would be seriously challenged.

Newcomer Steve Young was sharing his Mini Special with son Adrian. Not yet old enough to drive on the road, it was to be a baptism of fire for the youngster, learning to drive and autotest in the same day! To help him along Steve sat in the passenger seat during the tests. That seemed a good idea until later in the day we realised Adrian wasn’t walking the tests beforehand. That proved to be a big disadvantage.

John Dixon was another new competitor looking for some New Year fun. He brought along a Mini saloon which promptly blew a rear brake cylinder and left him struggling throughout the day with a largely ineffective handbrake.

Regular contended Rob White didn’t compete on the day due to a slight illness, but he did feel well enough to help Robert with marshaling duties.

Heepy’s brakes required bleeding before we could start. The fitting of a new front flexy pipe the day before, plus a recalcitrant pressure bleeder, left the system with a lot of air in it. Soon sorted with Roy’s help though.

The restricted area at Reader’s Yard kept us to the usual format, set up one test and run it three times then set another. Keen to get some mileage in, I kicked off the proceedings with a more complicated first test than Robert usually sets. He laid the blame squarely at Whitey’s door as he’d drawn all the tests.

Shorty took first blood of the day with a time of 48 seconds followed by John Taylor 3 tenths behind. I languished a further second behind John owing to a fumble caused by my foot slipping off the brake pedal and nearly rolling over the first stop-astride line. Whitey told me I was only millimetres from incurring a penalty. Sunny as it was, the ground didn’t dry out all day so wet feet and a lack of pedal rubbers made it tricky. My partner, Roy Heath, was scratching his head and wondering where he’d lost ten seconds on me.

During these 3 tests a welcome spectator turned up in the shape of Matt Blood with (possibly a potential future competitor?) his son Daniel.

On the second run it was John Taylor’s turn for the fastest time. I just pipped Shorty for second, despite a repeat performance with slippery pedals. By the third run I’d got my feet (and head) sorted to pull fastest time, albeit only two tenths ahead of Shorty. John spoiled a storming time by notching up his first 10 second penalty of the day. After 3 tests Shorty was leading, 9 tenths ahead of me and I was getting concerned about their speed with the new engine. Roy never got to grips with that test and had already fallen into the clutches of Ken Sturdy.

The next set of three tests, 4, 5, and 6 used the same configuration of cones, but with a different route. I still had the disadvantage of running first car, but managed to set three times all within 4 tenths of a second of each other. It included a slalom which I really tided up on my last run to give me the only fastest time of the three. John and Shorty were both sharing fastest times, but a gear-change problem began to appear by test 6. The ’box was progressively stiffening up. Worried faces in the paddock area as their Mini was run up the ramps of my trailer so we could have a look underneath. A quick check of the gear lever confirmed their fears - the problem was in the gearbox - a days job at least on a Mini! All this had put me 2.8 seconds in the lead by now with my two main rivals looking very glum indeed.

To their credit they elected to carry on as we prepared to tackle the next three tests, 7, 8, and 9. It became evident by their times, however that they wouldn’t be staying all day. Watching the car on test during a change of direction, it would shake noticeably as the gear lever had to be pulled out of first, then dragged across the ‘gate’ before it was forced into reverse, all of this took two hands! Shorty’s times were quite amazing considering all this effort, he being a farm hand certainly had more muscle than ‘city-boy’ John. He was still some four seconds a test behind me though and there was no fun in that. After test 10 the Mini was on the trailer and heading for home. A phone call to Dave Mosey the following week revealed that the Metro 1300 gearbox has an inherent weak point in one of the bearings.

Ken Sturdy was beginning to get to grips with Richard’s Mini, despite the rattling engine, and was putting some good times in. He even took fastest time on test 11, but suffered with penalties and had a lot of time to make up. Listening to Heepy when Roy was driving a test, I commented to one of the other competitors how well the engine sounded. Then I remembered that the following week we’d be pulling the thing out to put the 1300 in - isn’t that typical!

John Dixon was coping well considering his brake maladies. He was having to adopt a new technique to get the Mini round some of the cones. A very wide line got him there, but the times were not good. The mileage would help to get him back in the groove and ready for next time though.

Best test of the day came next, 13, 14 and 15. All forward, no reversing and just a blast! Pity John and Shorty had gone, they could have done it easy - no gearchanges. Roy and Ken were having a good battle with Roy just getting the edge on this one. It was still very close between those two.

Worst test of the day quickly followed! It was certainly different. Reversing off the start line into the test was okay, but it ended with a very awkward handbrake turn to reverse through a narrow gate and finish in reverse. I suppose the only bad part was the narrow gate near the end, it just slowed the whole test down and spoilt the flow of it. Reminiscent of some of Matthew Atkinson’s tests (not bad - just different) back in the days when our club put on autotests. I shouldn’t moan though, I still managed 2 fastest times on it. Roy happily got the other one, but sadly his others were off the mark.

So at the end of the day the results were as follows:

Howie 744.3 seconds

Ken Sturdy 817.5

Roy Heath 823.7

Richard Wood 857.8

Steve Young 903.5

John Dixon 1083

Adrian Young 1232.1

Robert and Whitey put on a cracking day for us. Thanks to both of them. There’s another NHMC autotest which is on 11 February. Roy and I are hoping to use it as a shakedown for the new engine before launching into the new season of ANCC and Larkspeed championships. It’s going to be tough, this new engine will put me in the same class as Tim Sargeant, the 2000 ANCC Autotest champion in his Dutton sports car. Looks like being a fun year!

Howie.

TRAINING SCHEME

The Motor Sports Association (MSA) is pleased to announce that Tony Fall has agreed to oversee the growth and development of the British Association of Rally Schools (BARS) on our behalf.

BARS will be aiming to have sufficient schools of an appropriate standard available in all parts of the UK before the final meeting of the Motor Sports Council in September, in which case the Council will ratify mandatory training for all new special stage rally drivers from 2002. A new Stage Rally Driver competition licence will then be introduced on 1 January 2002, together with a 'starter pack' and mandatory attendance at an approved rally school. The scheme will thus be very similar to those already running successfully for race and kart drivers.

Tony Fall's appointment was welcomed by MSA Director of Sporting & Technical Services, Colin Hilton: "Tony brings exactly the right combination of talents: a skilled driver, a successful team manager and a leading businessman. We expect him to drive the training scheme forwards so that we can satisfy all the Council's conditions."

Driver training was recommended by MSA after receiving the report of the Rally Safety Study Group, formed last year to examine every aspect of rally safety, including vehicle regulations, organising rules, and the protection of spectators, officials and competitors.

Tony Fall was one of Britain's greatest drivers in the 1960s and 1970s, rallying factory cars for BMC, Lancia, Ford, Porsche, Datsun, BMW and Opel and later running the official Dealer Opel Team. Among his many victories were the Rally of Portugal, plus the Circuit of Ireland, Scottish and Welsh rallies and events in Africa, South America and Europe. He remains actively involved in motor sport as head of Safety Devices, best known for their popular rollcages.

 

12 Car Championship – Round 5

Monday 8th January 2001

Starting just up the road from organiser Ian Gibbins’ house, at the back of Beverley, this event was as well organised as ever with the odd little twist to catch you out. It did, we missed out the code board in the lay-by at the start. Should have known better, he did that last year! Being a Monday, I was driving, with Matthew on the maps in the Diesel Laguna again. A total of 8 crews made the start, good for this season, but still missing a lot of usual Beverley members. An on form Mr Atkinson, aided on one occasion by some accurate guesswork from me, gave us another win over Messrs Smith and Ogram in the Peugeot 205 GTI. Matt Blood may be losing his seat now as Sara Rodgers navigated Tim into 3rd spot ahead of arch rivals Andy & Danny. Everyone enjoyed the event, however well they had done, judging by comments at the finish.

 

 

12 Car Championship – Round 6

Thursday 25th January 2001

Back on the maps for me with Howard in the still bent Hooft’s Primera. I had gently adjusted the wing so I could at least open the door the week before whilst the car was in to have the flattened exhaust sorted. Graeme Potter decided a circular herringbone was a good way to start the expert navigation, this left us immediately mixing with the novices behind for the first section. Howard was off like stink, "serves you right," said Matthew at the finish. Lots of plotting at speed over the first 3 sections left me feeling unnaturally off to say the least. I was convinced I had missed a code board, but I never let a driver know a mistake. By the end of the third section we had left Tim & Matt in the Spectrum Van and Dave & Oliver in the Mini, who had been ahead of us for a while. I’m sure they thought we were following them. As if!

Gavin & Mike had apparently gone WD at Matthew’s control early on, then filled the exhaust with mud whilst turning round. We nearly missed Matthew’s next control after Millington Pastures as he only just arrived at the same time as we did, before heading up Millington Grange. It all went OK from here, my stomach settling all the time and I managed to redeem myself with Howard after messing up last time by bringing us home in first place.

 

Mike Petch

ANCC Road Rally Championship

Round 1 Witch Way Pendle DMC

January 27/28th 2001

I didn’t go, definitely glad I didn’t after speaking to Gavin Smith. About the scariest event he’s done due to thick freezing fog and ice. Went off at least four times, not doing much damage but ripping a tyre, cracking a wheel and getting stuck after narrowly missing a Land Rover going W.D. in the fog. I believe someone else may have got it though. Many others were in the same bother, rolling, ramming each other etc.

Definitely not an event for standard cars. I suspect Mike Ogram & Gavin were both very pleased to have a proper car in those conditions. Even so, Mike apparently asked Gavin to get a move on at one point, not realising until he looked up that they could hardly see past the front of the bonnet. Still managed 4th overall, so you aren’t really too old, yet!

Mike Petch

Hello!

The Hooft’s Primera had suddenly become more economical in the last couple of weeks and Howard had been arriving at his clients (sounds like a prostitute) 10 minutes earlier than usual. He was puzzled.

The answer became apparent when he remembered that he’d changed his ‘breeze-block’ mobile phone for a more slimline 1990’s model. Oh yes, it was that old! (But it did work - Ed.)

Tim Rodgers

AREN’T THEY GREAT

Cyclists (or SMIDSY’s - sorry mate I didn’t see you)

Aren’t cyclists great - they usually manage to stay on, even when you clip them with you door mirror.

 

"Quotes"

"There’s a lot more than 8 inches there."

Robot Wars’ Julia Reed, describing the lifting abilities of ‘Panic Attack’.

"Remember, a dog is for life, not just for Friday night."

Seen written in dirt on the back of a Tranny van down Waterloo Street.

"I can’t do it in the dark."

Gunner Potter’s weak excuse for not marshaling a night stage.

 

"Ooh! That’s big"

Lorraine Petch when Howie’s lemon torte arrived at the club dinner dance.

"You like to be disciplined now and then."

The current Mrs Everingham during a dinner dance discussion about skiing - (?).

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place in a sectioned basket according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if husband is seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick belly out, complain and whine about getting fat.

GET IN SHOWER.

Look for facecloth, armcloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and olive shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash hair again with cucumber and olive shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and olive conditioner with enhanced natural oil.

Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red-raw.

Wash entire body with ginger nut and jaffacake body wash (hope Oggy doesn’t see this - Ed.)

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure it all comes off.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red-hot.

Turn off shower, clean all surfaces, spray mould spots with Flash bathroom spray.

Get out of shower and dry with towel the size of a small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.

Attack with nails or tweezers if any found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If husband is seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to the bedroom to spend half an hour getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If wife is seen, shake knob at her making a "WOO" sound.

Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs. NO!

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch balls and smell fingers.

GET IN SHOWER

Don’t bother to look for wash cloth, don’t use one.

Wash face, wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash privates and surrounding area, wash butt, leave hair on soap.

Shampoo hair, but don’t use conditioner.

Make shampoo mohican hair style.

Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss (in shower).

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off, look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).

Leave shower curtain open, bathmat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass the wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "YEAH BABY" and thrust pelvis at her.

Now put on yesterdays clothes.

Surely this is what happens in everybody’s house in a morning - well, to those of us who can be bothered to get a shower!

Matt Blood.

2001 BRITISH RALLY CHAMPIONSHIP NEWS

The first important entries for the 2001 British Rally Championship were announced at last week's Autosport International Show in Birmingham. The British Rally Championship remains the only national rally series in the UK with confirmed terrestrial television coverage of each individual round, with seven 30-minute prime-time programmes on Channel 4, a further seven 60-minute programmes on Sky and additional British coverage still to be announced.

Figures released by the MSA's production company show that last year's Channel 4 coverage was watched by over 2.1 million viewers in the UK alone. Regular programmes were also seen in Europe, the Middle East, the Far East, South Africa and the USA and Canada.

Ford confirmed at the Autosport Show that Mark Higgins will drive a Focus RS World Rally Car on all seven rounds, prepared and run by M-Sport, the same operation which campaigns the official Ford Martini Focus RS WRCs in the World Rally Championship.

In the British Super 1600 Rally Championship, which runs alongside the outright title at all seven events, the first entrant is a factory-specification Peugeot 206 Super 1600 car run by the Ryton Employee Rally Team.

For the opening round (Rally of Wales on 10/11 March), the Peugeot workers will take advantage of flexible vehicle rules created for the British Super 1600 Rally Championship: the series admits not only FIA-homologated Super 1600 cars, but also any car whose homologation has been applied for but not yet approved. All other FIA-homologated rally cars up to 1600cc are also eligible, although last year's highly-modified Kit Cars will face engine and weight restrictions to equalise performance.

Motor Sports Association also revealed that the championship co-ordinator for 2001 will be Catherine Higgins at RSAC Motorsport. All championship enquiries - including competitors, sponsors and media - should be directed to the BRC office at 11 Blythswood Square, Glasgow G2 4AG (tel 0141 204 4999, fax 0141 204 4949, email rsac_motorsport@compuserve.com).

MSA Chief Executive John Quenby expressed his thanks to outgoing championship manager John Horton: "The British Rally Championship has become the most important national series in the world largely thanks to John's efforts and I look forward to building on his foundations. Indeed, I am sure that John will still have a role in the 2001 Championship, details of which will be announced at a later date."

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROCKINGHAM FOR THE MSA CLASSIC

Up to 1,200 classic cars from eight starting points around the UK will converge on Rockingham Motor Speedway when the MSA Classic, Britain's largest single classic car event, arrives at the country's newest motor sports venue near Corby in Northamptonshire on Sunday 3 June. The MSA Classic offers road driving routes to allow owners to enjoy every type of classic car, from the earliest days of motoring to those built as recently as 1 January 1981.

The MSA Classic event consists of six different one-day runs, a two-day run and a unique route - specifically designed for pre-1955 cars - which is slightly shorter, less demanding and has a reduced entry fee. All the routes avoid major roads, wherever possible, to provide enjoyable driving for even the most exposed car occupants. The six main routes are scattered around the country and average 140 miles through the glorious British countryside. The one-day routes start from Bath, Newbury, Epsom, Bury St Edmonds, Warwick and Nottingham, and each start point will host a reception on the evening prior to the event. The shorter route for pre-1955 cars covers 70 miles from Aylesbury. The two-day event covers 280 miles after starting from Scarborough on Saturday 2 June.

The MSA Classic has new starts, new venues and the return of several venues which have not been used for some years. There are many highlights on each of the runs, including entry to stately homes such as Castle Howard, Waddesdon Manor, Upton House and the 'Enigma' code-breaking centre at Bletchley Park. There will be 'behind the scenes' access to the MIRA and Gaydon industry test tracks as well as visits to Stondon Motor Museum, Denby Pottery, the National Tramway Museum, Castle Combe race circuit and many other locations. Each route has been selected to give participants more visits than previously experienced on the run.

The exciting finale for all routes will be the unique opportunity to experience the brand-new banked oval circuit at Rockingham Motor Speedway, just north of Corby. This will be only the second public event at the track, after its opening ceremony the previous weekend. The MSA Classic event is run by the same team which brings you the MSA Motorsports Classic Experience, MSA EuroClassic and the famous London to Brighton Veteran Car Run. As a result, the organisational team is among the most experienced in the world. The MSA Classics Events Team will be on hand throughout the day, from the start of each route through to the finish, and assistance will be available for anyone whose car baulks at completing the journey.

"The MSA Classic event has grown to be Britain's most popular classic driving event" said Malcolm Neill, Classic Events Manager of the Motor Sports Association. "This year we are offering many new features on our routes, in particular the finish at Rockingham Motor Speedway. However, many things stay the same, such as the warm welcome and the comradeship between participants."

MARCH (provisional)
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03     Malcolm Wilson Rally: Cockermouth            0159 482 5690
03/04  Robin Hood Historic Forest Rally: Worksop    0130 253 7419
04     FIA FORMULA 1 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP:

Melbourne, Australia +61 3 9258 7100 04 Welsh Championship Stage Rally: Pembrey 0155 489 1042 08/11 FIA WORLD RALLY CHAMPIONSHIP: Portugal +351 2 1711 2800 09 Donaldson Fuels Navigation Rally: Dunamore 0288 676 3574 10/11 British Rally Championship: Rally of Wales 0124 871 4165 17 Starrett M1 Border Counties Rally: Jedburgh 0780 310 8700 17/24 Rallye du Maroc Classic: Casablanca +33 1 4089 9010 17/08 Jewel of India Classic Rally: Udaipor 0158 024 1133 18 FIA FORMULA 1 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Malaysia +60 3777 2788 18 Blackpool MC car rally: Three Sisters, Wigan 0194 227 0230 22/25 FIA WORLD RALLY CHAMPIONSHIP: Spain +34 9 3495 5035 30/31 MSA Motorsports Classic: Goodwood-Prescott 0175 376 5000 31 FIA F3000 Championship: Sao Paolo, Brazil +55 11 3813 5775 31 North Humberside Forest Rally: Hull 0148 284 0756 ----------------------------------------------------------------- APRIL (provisional) ----------------------------------------------------------------- 01 FIA FORMULA 1 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Brazil +55 11 3813 5775 01 Tour of Epynt Rally: Llandovery 0179 279 8499 08 Longton & DCC sprint: Three Sisters, Wigan 0194 227 0230 14 Astra Stages Rally: Llangollen 0151 647 5066 15 FIA FORMULA 1 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Imola +39 0 5423 1444 15 Spring National Hillclimb: Harewood 0114 258 5695 16 British Touring Car races: Brands Hatch 0147 487 2331 21 Weldex Argyll Rally: Dunoon 0123 687 2686 21 Somerset Stages Rally: Minehead 0145 883 3348 28/29 British Rally Championship: Pirelli Rally 0138 737 1867 29 FIA FORMULA 1 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Spain +34 9 3571 9700